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This gem is by Douglas Adams (of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy fame).

Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the
Bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many
unusual >features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out
of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the
girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of
geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the "Great Australian
Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory,
but they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place.
Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as
either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in this. The second confusing thing about Australia are
the animals. They can be divided into three categories:
Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep.

It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of
them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous
arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few
snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even the
spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check
inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before
sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this
task.

Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that
are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is
the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its
life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it
comes out to eat worms and grubs. The wombat kills people in two ways: First,
the animal is indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay
builds muscles that outclass Olympic weight lifters. At night, they often
wander the roads. Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed,
with all 9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They
express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars,
the wombat becomes a symmetrical launching pad, with results that can
be imagined, but not adequately described.

The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing
behavior. If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat
will feel the disturbance and think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!" at which it
will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow
with incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be
crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear
down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed
hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered
the third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don't talk
about it much.

At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged
relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays
eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has
venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical'
Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a
short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in
boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and lot of them died.
The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's
proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and spent
a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories. Then, around 200
years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately,
European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge.
They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the
reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to
the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died. About then the
sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since.

It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves
vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat,
steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do
is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert,
equipped with a stick. Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans
on Extended Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but
deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet,
where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves
to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of
checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked
up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal
gift for making up stories.

Be warned. There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches
are simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone
actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging
jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea,
pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill
just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is
worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would
expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly,
cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger,
unless they are an American. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible
problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats
have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is
Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly
proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They
call the land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own
Country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth." The irritating thing
about this is they may be right.

There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not
under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are
comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian
shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation
(Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield. The only
correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best {insert
your own regional swear word here} country in the world!". It is very likely
that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you on your first
night, and take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the
obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake
up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your
mouth, and wearing strange clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get
home, (some people arrived in boats) and waive off any legal
difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub.", to
which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell
the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new
embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the beer was. Thus
you will be accepted into this unique culture.

Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary
use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators. Typical
Australian sayings:
* "G'Day!"
* "It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."
* "She'll be right."
* "And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn
and rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear as crystal, and the
white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And
where, around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and
the rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a household word today,
and the stockmen tell the story of his ride."

Tips to Surviving Australia:
* Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We
mean it.
* The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you
think it is.
* Always carry a stick.
* Air-conditioning.
* Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained
linguist and good in a fist fight.
* Thick socks.
* Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are
people nearby.
* If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you
at all times, or you will die.
* Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is
always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
 

See Also: "Deserts: How to die in them", "The Stick: Second most useful
thing ever" and "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals,
trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42"